It all came to a head today, during nap time... go figure.
William wanted to sleep in our bed, I told him that was fine. Then he wanted Mommy to come snuggle him. We have all been a little under the weather recently, and a nap sounded nice, so I whole-heartedly agreed to a nap. Well, I fell asleep just fine. William was beyond restless. He was all over the bed, poking me, playing with my hair, and his noise was causing Tatum to stir. It was getting on my nerves, and I hit that point. I snapped at Will with a "if you're not going to sleep then go to your own bed."
He just slowly slid off the bed and headed out the door.
A few minutes later He was yelling that he needed to go to the bathroom, so I rolled my eyes and rolled out of bed. While he was sitting on the toilet, me on the side of the tub, he was kind of messing around, like he does when he avoids going #2. He looks at me, with that look that only a two year old can give you when they know you're at the end of your rope. That look that goes right to your soul. I swear at that moment it was like in the movies, that special effect where time stops and the camera quickly zooms into the eye and then their is a flash of light and there are a hundred tiny flashbacks. I thought back on those times I've been short with him. I thought of all those times he has tried to get my attention and I had to brush him off because I was doing something else, usually helping Tatum.
I'd recently shared with a friend how Will was the "perfect" little boy; quiet and sweet, loving, and snuggly. Recently he's been that "typical" two year old boy; rambunctious and rowdy, loud, and has gotten very physical. He is still very lovey, but he holds on so tight, it makes you wonder. I was telling her this behavior kicked in a few months after he turned two. She says "So right around when Tatum was born?" I'm sure it showed on my face, but I know for sure I said "oh... duh!" in my head... maybe even out loud...
I looked into that boy's big brown eyes, and I just smiled at him. And what do you know, he smiled back and gave me a huge hug. And with that hug came waves of guilt. Guilt for every time I left Will under-stimulated and frustrated, and then got frustrated at him for it. So much has been going on since Tatum was born. Most days it's just me and the kids and I'm afraid Will has probably been feeling the brunt of my frustration. And he is one of the most sensitive boys I know, I know he feels it.
So I made myself a silent promise to set aside more time for Will. So today, it was small, but I set Tatum in her exersaucer and let her play, while we made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich together. He was glowing, even with that little bit of Mommy-time.
So here is my resolve, for all of you to see, to devote more one-on-one time with my little boy.
I love him more than I can express with words. He is my pride and joy.
I hope he knows that.
