Tatum's Arrival!

 If you want to know what real love looks like... it looks like this.

 This was during the uncontrollable shaking. 

 If you are wondering if labor hurts... yes, yes it does!

 He is my hero.

 She came so fast! I swear the next one is just going to fall out!

 SHE'S HERE!!!!

 There is nothing like that moment when they put your baby on your chest. So many emotions and thoughts. It is so incredible, the moment you meet this little human you created. 

 Billy got to cut the cord, although I don't think I even noticed, I was so smitten.

 Getting checked out. She scored 8 and 9 on her APGARs which is crazy to think with everything that happened.

 We wanted to be back snuggling together again!

 This is probably my favorite picture of the whole thing! It's like he realized just how much trouble he was really in for! ;)

 It's amazing how instantly settled in with each other you become. It's like she's always been a part of our family.

 So exhausted but so happy. This was probably a little after 2 am..

 His world was about to turn upside-down

 This was just a few minutes after everyone left after I hemorrhaged.. can you tell? I was so out of it!

 It was so good to see him!

 Meeting his baby sister for the first time!

 Aunt Sam

A family of four! 

(please excuse the puffy face! That's what pre-eclampsia + IV fluids will get ya!)

NICU (feelings)

 I hated every single one of the 11 days that Tatum was in the NICU.
I felt guilty whether I was at home or at the hospital. I know William needed my attention, as did Tatum. People would either say "She won't be able to tell when you're not there, she's being taken care of." or "Tatum needs you, William won't remember any of this." depending on what they thought I needed to hear that day.

It was hard not to feel guilty. I felt like it was my fault that she was where she was. If I'd taken it a little easier then my blood pressure and protein levels wouldn't have been so high, and I wouldn't have been induced and her lungs would have been healthier. i still don't think I've gotten over the guilt.

I did learn some incredible lessons while we were there. There are some incredibly selfless people in our lives, who are willing to take care of us in more ways than one. We had people bringing us food, taking care of William, offering hugs and words of comfort, we had so many people praying for our little girl. I feel like we will never be able to repay the kindness that has been shown to our family. So many hugs, and even at times literally holding us up when it was hard to stay standing

The nurses in the NICU became some of my favorite people. not only because they were taking care of MY baby, but because of the nature of their job and they were always looking out for us. We had nurses pushing so hard to get our baby home. There were times that the nurses would just sit and talk to me during the afternoon. Nurses that weren't even assigned to her that day would come and check on her and see how she was doing. Of course everyone commented on her hair.

 It was hard to be in there at times, knowing that she'd be coming home soon. The NICU was divided into 4 pods, and Tatum was in the A pod, which means that she was in with the babies who were in the least trouble, if that makes any sense. She was almost twice the size of her little roommate, I felt a little guilty knowing that we weren't as bad off as some of the babies in there. I would here the "code blue" alarm or hear that life flight was "in Pod D and ready for transport." and my heart would sink and I'd feel like crying.

 Sometimes I felt like our experience wasn't legit because out baby wasn't in a dramatic life or death kind of situation. Obviously she was in some danger or she wouldn't have been in there, but it seemed, at times, i wasn't entitled to some of the feelings I felt. She improved so quickly, and we were in there for ONLY 11 days, and other than her lungs she was an incredibly healthy baby. So why was I feeling so devastated?? I just had to tell myself that this was the hardest thing I, personally, had ever been through. And while I know that there are others who have been in, or were going through much harder things, this was a challenge for MY little family, and for MY heart. 

I learned to love some things about the NICU. I love the smell. It doesn't smell like hospital in there, it smells like baby... or maybe my brain just associates that smell with my baby now... either way, I always loved the smell when the door would open. I loved the NICU naps. Every afternoon, after I would feed Tatum, she and I would snuggle up on the chair and take a nice long nap together. I loved getting to do her cares, it was one of the very few times that we were there that I actually felt like I was taking care of my baby. It was not easy taking a backseat to the nurses, so when I got to changer her diaper, and take her temperature, I felt like I was actually being a mom to her.

I had a hard time with other people touching her. Even her nurses sometimes! Those first few days it just felt like anyone other than Billy was just getting between me and my baby and my inner momma bear did not like it. Even in the moment I would tell myself just how irrational I was being. I knew that she needed all the love she could get, but I felt so protective of her and didn't want her to be overexposed of taken advantage of. I know that wasn't happening, but in my irrational, overly hormonal mind, I didn't want other people touching her.

I went back on Saturday to pick up some milk that was left in the freezer, and I saw two moms in their hospital gowns, getting ready to see their babies and I just wanted to hug them and make sure they were doing ok. As I was walking out I saw two more couples with the "NICU parent" badges that I was all too familiar with, and couldn't help but feel connected to them in a weird but special way. We were part of some club that you never ever want to be in, but just seeing another "club member" offers a strange comfort.

Life since being home has been pretty amazing. Of course, it has been an adjustment, but there aren't words to describe how it feels having her home with us. It's been a little hard taking the lead making decisions about her health. We were told not to take her out in public for 2-3 months, to limit visitors, and not to be around any little kids other than William. We've had to decide what exactly that means for our family. We have so many family members and sweet friends just dying to meet her and hold her. I am getting better at letting other people hold and touch her... It may not seem like it, but I've made huge steps since she's been born :)

I feel like we are finding our stride as a family. Things are feeling more settled, and I feel more at peace. The adrenaline that got me through those 11 days has since worn off and my body has realized that I did in fact have a baby, and I am exhausted. Exhausted but so, so happy.

My Tatum Grace,
You are such a strong little girl. I should have known that you were such a fighter given all you and I have been through already.
You've already lived up to your name. You have brought us so much joy. You brought our family closer together, we know we can do hard things.
I hope you keep that fighting spirit. If nothing else, you'll need it to keep up with Will.
you've taught me so much in such a small amount of time. you helped me realize just how much strength i have in me, and just how far my heart can stretch and still be full of so much love.

We love you so much, hopefully you will love being a part of our crazy family too.

i love you, my baby, I'm so glad I am your momma.

NICU (facts)

I've had to write this post over a few days, for a couple of different reasons. It has been quite a busy and chaotic time for us, and finding the time to process my feelings, let alone write them down, has been rare.

When they came in and told me that Tatum was going down to the NICU, it was around 1 in the morning. After my nurse left, I couldn't fall back asleep. So around 3:30, I woke up poor Billy, and said I wanted to go down to see her. So we called my nurse in and told her we wanted to go down and she helped get us a wheel chair and hook the catheter up to is and stuff. (Let me tell ya, few things are more awkward than rolling around the hospital with your pee on display...)

When we got there, we met with her MD, who said they were getting chest x-rays done, as well as doing a few other things, and that there wasn't a whole lot of room in there for us. So we sat in the parents' lounge and waited. Well, I thumbed through the NICU scrapbook, Billy slept on the couch. After about an hour and a half, we decided to head back to the room. Sitting on a hard wheelchair with a catheter in, is not all that comfortable, and we needed some sleep so we headed back up.

Later that morning, I got my catheter out, got a shower and changed into some real clothes, and got ready to go see our girl.

We walked in to see my sweet little baby hooked up to monitors and tubes and IVs and a high frequency ventilator that constantly, gently shook her little body, she was sedated and on pain meds, which helped, to know that she wasn't hurting. I told people I knew what to expect, but I wasn't sure that my heart was ready to see my baby so helpless and lifeless.

The first day was just a blur. Nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, CNAs, home health doctors, lactation consultants, social workers, respiratory therapists, all came in to talk to us and overload us with information. To be honest, I listened, but knew that I wouldn't understand all that they were saying anyway. I just sat there, holding my baby's hand, and nodded and hoped Billy understood any of this. Later Tatum got a blessing from Billy and two of her grandpas that afternoon. It was was comforting and we knew she'd be ok.

On Wednesday I was discharged from the hospital. Billy and I spent the rest of the day in the NICU. We went home to get Will and have some dinner with him and put him to bed. Then I headed back to the hospital to be with her.

The first night away from her was horrible. I sat on the couch and sobbed to the point of hyperventilating. I wanted my baby home with me. It hurt to be so far away, and feel so powerless to do anything for her. It was probably the most devastated and defeated I've ever felt in my life. All I could do was have Billy hold me while we cried together.

The next few days were all the same. I would come and sit with Tatum, although she was sedated, talk to her and hold her hand. I'd do this for a few hours then head home to be with William. I'd get excited with the smallest changes. They seemed like we'd conquered Everest with each one. When they took out the tube sucking air out of her tummy, or when they took out her umbilical artery catheter, our when she started to get breastmilk, I would be so proud of her.

One night I got to help with her cares for the first time. I took her temperature, changed her diaper, brushed her hair, cleaned her mouth, helped weigh her. It was the most "interaction" with her I'd gotten in days. All the commotion, and the fact that she needed another dose of meds, she opened her eyes for a little while. She was very groggy, but it did my heart so much good to look into her eyes, even if it was just for that brief moment.

Friday afternoon I got the best surprise of all. I walked into her room and there was no ventilator, and her chest tube was out! Her nurse was so excited. Her whole NICU wing seemed to be in on the "surprise" and came in to see if I'd seen her yet, it was very sweet. Her nurse looked at me and said "I think you need to hold your baby!" We got to have some skin to skin time together, and it was magical. A few minutes in I called Billy and when he answered I said "guess what I'm doing right now... holding our baby!" About 20 minutes later he joined me and was holding our little girl. It made me so happy to see. After they extubated her, they took off her CO2 monitors on her chest and she let out the saddest, most hoarse cry, but she CRIED! It's weird to say, but it was the best sound!

The next few days she slowly but surely got better, and we got more and more anxious to get her home. I was able to start nursing her, and since they wanted me there for at least 3 feedings, I started spending more time there. William was passed around from family member to family member, and while he didn't seem too much worse for the wear, I couldn't help but feel torn in my time, and guilty no matter where I was.

Pretty soon we got to the point where all she needed was to keep doing great with her feedings and she could come home. That was the most frustrating. She was doing so well and I just wanted her home. On Friday, the 21st we got the best news, that we could bring our girl home! She had to do a carseat test, basically, she had to sit in her carseat for 90 minutes without any desats in her oxygen levels. She passed with flying colors.

The discharge process was a bit long and tedious, probably mostly because we were so ready to have her home, and all that they were doing just seemed to be prolonging that. But after some happy, tearful hugs, we signed out of the NICU for the first time.

Life post-NICU has been interesting. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to scrub all the way up to my elbows all the time, or that I don't need to taker her temperature or weigh her diapers every three hours. I still bathe in hand sanitizer. I'm sure it will be quite a while before she and I are away from each other.

Tatum Grace Holley

Well I'd say going two months without any new posts deserves a good update... and what an update I have for you.

WE HAD OUR BABY GIRL!!!!
And even more has happened since then.
So here's the story of how our little girl made her entrance into the world:

At my 37 week appointment my blood pressure was a bit high. It had steadily been going up the last few weeks. Well my doctor ordered modified bedrest, and a 24 hour urine test. Oh yes, it's as glamorous as it sounds. I had to keep all of my pee in a big orange jug, and keep that in our fridge for 24 hours. They are testing for protein in your urine, which is an indication of pre-eclampsia, which is a pregnancy complication that is no good for mommy or baby.

Well my numbers came back high, but not to the point where it was emergent. The magic number is 300, and my protein levels were 257. So on my way to drop of my jug o' pee my doctor had me stop by and check my blood pressure. It was still pretty high, so I had to do ANOTHER 24 hour test. This time my numbers came back at 289. This was on Sunday the 13th, and that afternoon we got the call from the doctor. She said I was "2 seconds away from full blown pre-eclampsia" and we would be going in to have our baby that day!

So we started to get ready. I of course, had to take a shower, and Billy, in true Billy fashion, did just about everything under the sun, including clean the toilet. Our friend Sam came over to watch William, and we were off to meet our baby.

We got all checked in and settled and around 6:00 pm the put in the foley balloon to help manually dilate my cervix, and gave me some pitocin to kickstart some contractions. Well, they started, and while it all was pretty uncomfortable, it wasn't all that bad. Well I had to go to the bathroom, and let me tell ya, that was uncomfortable! There was a lot of pressure, so the nurse checked the foley balloon by giving it a little tug, and out it came, which meant I was at least 4 cm dilated. Turns out I was at 5.5! So they said they would break my water. I decided I'd rather stay on top of my pain, although I could tolerate it alright, and got an epidural. With Will I waited quite a while, and just couldn't fully relax until I got the epidural, so I decided to see how it would go if I was a little more proactive. It took a little bit to get comfortable and not feel the pain of the contractions anymore, but it kicked in nicely. I started shaking a lot around this time. The nurse said it was normal, but it was frustrating that it was so hard to control. Billy and Ann were my champions through the whole thing, helping me calm myself down and Billy even fed me ice chips. It was a nice little cliche. ;)

Around 11:00 I started feeling more pressure and the contractions a little more, so they checked me and I was an 8! I was surprised at how easy and fast this was going, it was seeming to go the exact opposite of William's. With Tatum they only had to turn the pitocin up to 5, where it was up at 20 (as high as it goes) for hours before I got my epidural with William.

At about midnight they came in to check me and said I was complete, and I could tell, lots of pressure!
My OB was delivering another baby so she was going to be just a little while. She came in, had me push through one contraction and knew it was go time. So everything got prepped really quickly, and two contractions later, I had a baby on my chest instead of in my belly!
She came into this world at 1:23 am on 4/14/14, my little Tatum Grace.

I couldn't help but think how small she was. After having a ten pound baby, it was a little odd having such a "small" baby. She weighed 8 lbs 5 oz. The best news came from my doctor about 2 minutes after she was born. "you didn't tear at all!"

All was great, we got up to our room around 3:00 and tried to get as much sleep as you can in a hospital right after you have a baby. We seem to like having our kids in the middle of the night, let me tell ya, it's not a good idea!

A little while later the nurses noticed Tatum was breathing a little fast, so for a while I couldn't feed her, because they didn't want her to aspirate on my milk. Every now and then they would take her back to the nursery after they checked her vitals. She would make a little grunting sound when she would breathe.
 ***WARNING!! THIS MIGHT BE A BIT MUCH FOR THOSE WITH A WEAK CONSTITUTION***
This whole time, I was feeling great. Much better than I did with William, that's for sure. Around lunchtime I started get really uncomfortable. My pain was increasing and I felt a little pressure. Suddenly I felt a clot come out, I could tell it was pretty big, so I had Billy get my nurse. She helped me up to the bathroom and then checked for excessive bleeding, but it all looked good. A little bit later the pain and pressure came back, this time much worse. So I had Billy call the nurse back in and she started massaging my uterus. The pain got incredibly intense, and then all of a sudden, relief. My bed filled up with blood and clots. (My doctor later told me that there is a term for audible bleeding, when there is so much coming out so fast you can hear it. They don't use it very often, but it exists for cases like this) Pretty soon my room was filled with nurses and CNAs and doctors. In that sea of people all I wanted was Billy. He was so good to stay by my side and hold my hand and try to keep me from worrying. Everyone was moving in such a blur, and talking over me in that way that doctors do when there is an emergency but they're trying to keep themselves and everyone else calm. They started hooking things into my IV and giving me shots, and trying to keep my focus. Then the doctor told me to try to relax as much as I could, and that she was sorry she had to do this. That's when the real pain started. She had to check inside to make sure there were no more clots and no leftover placental tissue. I just remember crying, asking her "please don't", and wanting to pass out. I had my sweet nurse holding one hand and rubbing my leg, saying "I'm so sorry, almost done" over and over, and Billy holding my other hand telling me to keep looking at him. Then the worst was over. Nothing more that they could see.
***OK! IT'S OVER***

Then I got the best visitor in the world. William came to see his baby sister! He gave her kisses and hugs and was so sweet. Luckily, people got pictures, because I was so weak and tired from what had just happened (not to mention a little sluggish due to the pain meds they had just given me) that I didn't get to fully enjoy seeing them together for the first time. He and I got some good snuggles in, and that did my heart so much good.

That afternoon Tatum's vitals started getting a little low, so they took her to the nursery to be monitored. Later we had a nurse come in and tell us that they did a chest scan on her and said that it looks like the bottom portion of her lung had collapsed, so our pediatrician was conferring with a doctor down in the NICU. We got a call just a little while after that saying that the doctor in the NICU said it just looked like she had air in her diaphragm that was compressing her lung and that she should be ok, but that they'd do another chest scan later. So I asked Billy to wheel me down to see her and hold her in the nursery, after they did her second chest scan. While we were there they got the results and said that it looked like it had improved, so we thought we'd turned the corner. They said they'd keep her a little longer and watch her.

Well, with all that happened earlier that day, I had to leave and go lie down. So I reluctantly left my baby.
Around 1 am my nurse came in and told me that Tatum's levels had gotten worse and that she was being sent down to the NICU. She had pneumonia and pneumothoraces (portions of both lungs collapsed).

I'll have to update on the NICU experience another time, I'm still processing it all to be honest. Lots of emotions. But she is doing well and making incredible strides. Hopefully we will get to bring her home soon.

I promise next time I will have pictures! ;)